Kannadasan – A Realized Master (Part 18)

 

We ended the last episode with the telephone. It has been a long time since the telephone first entered the lives of lovers in silver screen; it evolved from those days of lingering over the cord phone to becoming a 'nuisance-phone' once the couple settled into married life. Why is that? In their book, "Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps: How we're different and what to do about it", authors Allan & Barbara Pease explain the reasons: “Men see the telephone as a communication tool for relaying facts and information to other people, but a woman sees it as a means of bonding. 

'Once I didn't talk to my wife for six months', said a comedian. 'I didn't want to interrupt'. If a woman is talking to you a lot, she likes you. If she's not talking to you, you're in trouble. Talking about her problems is how a woman gets relief from stress. But she wants to be heard, not fixed. Marriage has its good side. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, tolerance, self-restraint, and other valuable qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single. Relationships between men and women work despite overwhelming sex differences. Much of the credit here goes to women because they have the necessary skills to manage relationships and family. Much of the stress we experience in relationships comes from the false belief that men and women are now the same and have the same priorities, drives and desires. It's amazing that here, at the beginning of the 21st century, we still don't teach an understanding of male and female relationships in our schools!” 

A serious rift between a couple is one thing, but playful lovers' tiff (*oodal*) is quite another; indeed, is there any relationship without such playful discord? Kannadasan has beautifully captured this spirited banter—the playful friction that precedes intimacy—in his lyrics (“Nilavukku enn mel ennadi kobam?”) (Film:  *Policekaran Magal*): 

"Why is the moon angry with me? It burns like fire.

Why is the flower angry with me? It has turned into a thorn.

Why is the sweet-voiced maiden angry with me? Her words scorch like embers.

Why are your eyes angry with me? They dart like arrows." 

Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev in his book, "Life and Death in One Breath", funnily says, "More conflict is happening within the four walls of the home than anywhere else on the planet. The only thing is bombs are not exploding, so you do not hear it. They may be giving each other silent treatment. It is happening because people’s expectations are changing, and they are not changing at the same pace but at different paces…If you go about doing management and circus with these things, if you constantly try to mind-read the other person and fulfill their expectations, you will become a wreck." 

Many couples think having married and produced kids, it is better to somehow 'understand & manage' the relationship for the family's sake. But Jaggi has a serious revelation: "You do not have to understand every damn thing that the other person is. In fact, they will feel threatened if you understand everything. People are not looking for understanding, though they claim that they are. It is inclusiveness that you are seeking in a relationship…Wherever there is no inclusion from your side, it is there that people are trouble, please see. Don’t try to manage them. Don’t try to administer them. People do not like these things. Do you like to be managed by someone? No. Then why do you think the other person should like it? They also will not like it. Nobody likes to be managed, but everyone longs to be included." 

Some other couples fall in to the trap of 'somehow please' the other person and everything will become alright. Again, the contemporary guru's sincere advice to the married is, "You do not have to please anyone. Don’t ever imagine the flowers are trying to please you or anyone. They do not care a hoot for you. But it is their nature to be pleasant, so they are pleasant. Because they are pleasant, we want them around. If you are pleasant, everyone would want you around, that is all. You do not have to deal with them; you do not have to be pleasant to people. You do not have to try to be sweet to anyone. If you are just pleasant, whichever way you are, it is fine." 

We have already seen the couple who exclaimed, "Aha, what a perfect match!" If a minor tiff arises between such a compatible pair, it is poor 'Chinna Kannan'—caught in the middle—who faces the brunt of it. Yet, for the dasan of Kannan, it is a time of celebration (Film: *Kaathirundha Kangal*): 

“She has forgotten the art she once mastered—look, Kanna,

At the painting she crafted with such care—look, Kanna.

Tell him that the art of homemaking is enough—Kanna,

Why, then, does she need these other arts as well—Kanna?” 

Eckhart Tolle wonders in his best-seller book, "The Power of Now" as to how couples who loved each other so far, after marriage turn out to be hating each other so much. He urges us to examine the chemistry of how romantic love before marriage becomes its opposite, as if a switch has been flicked from 'on' to 'off'. Barbara De Angelis, author of book, "What Women Want Men to Know" explains in detail the internal processes that men and women go through in relationships. If you're a man, read this book to learn what you can do to be a woman's dream come true. If you're a woman, read this to learn why you are the way you are, and give it to the man you love, so you can have the relationship you've always wanted. She declares, "True commitment isn't about a ring, or a piece of paper, or how many years you've lived together with a partner. It's the way you treat the person you love every single day. Your intimate relationship is your most important valuable investment." 

Let us turn to the Kaviarasar’s song. He beautifully incorporates a line frequently spoken by married couples: "You have changed so much since the wedding." 

"Oh, dear one, the woman who once confessed her love is nowhere to be found today—

She who wears the *Thali* has changed;

Why, oh dear one, did he keep his eyes closed back then,

Failing to see that the beloved and the wife were one and the same?" 

The state of having one's "eyes closed" during the days of romance is surely a familiar experience, isn't it? Barbara has a series of serious recommendations to married men: "The more you learn about women and about love, the better you'll become as a husband or lover, and the more control you will have over your life. I've always said that if men spent a day in the mind of a woman in love, they'd be shocked and amazed at how much we think about them, how aware we are of them no matter what else we are doing. When you starve your partner emotionally, she is going to become cranky, irritable, impatient, and hypersensitive. In fact, you're going to turn your partner into everything you hate. What men can do? 

When your partner tells you she's upset, or communicates about something she's unhappy with, PAY ATTENTION. Rather than rushing through the conversation, ask her to tell you more about how she feels. Assume there is more going on than meets the eye. I know this suggestion sounds totally unappealing, but wouldn't you rather put out a few tiny flames than be faced with a huge raging blaze?" 

“Tell me, Kanna, why did she grow angry day after day?

Ask her, Kanna—what were her needs, what were her desires?

Can everything one thinks be spoken aloud, Kanna?

Could she have voiced it all even after you were born, Kanna?” 

Poet Kannadasan is magician. He has captured—within the song—all the dialogues that married couples exchange over the course of days or months. That is the very strategy of the sage, to touch and reach the hearts of people from all walks of life in a simple manner. It brings to mind those everyday domestic exchanges: “You’ve become so irritable lately; you’ve forgotten how to speak affectionately like you used to,” and the retort, “What about you? You’re always snapping at me!” The Poet-King had already taught men—in the song "Nilavukku Enmel Ennadi Kopam"—that a husband can make his wife melt like ice cream through his affectionate words: 

"Oh, Chithirai moon, oh aunt's daughter, forget the past;

Open your eyes to the man

Who is immersed in devotion to you." 

The rupture in relationship between the couple is caused by the inherently varied approaches of both the genders says John Gray in his "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus: “One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man's needs for feeling good are different from a woman. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.” 

Pointing to the difference in communication styles of men and women, the author says, “To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner.” Then, what should the man and woman in matrimonial relationship do? Gray gives this serious advice: “One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn't talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women.” 

Let us turn to Kannadasan for solution to the couple when they have to climb down from their mental positions: 

“Let the past be, Kanna—from now on,

Let her live without anger towards me, Kanna.

Who else do I have but him, Kanna?

I have come seeking refuge in him—tell him, Kanna!” 

Let us now turn to the Western world author John Gray for their ways to resolve ego issues between the couple: "To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to ‘what’ we are saying but to ‘how’ we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and unknowingly communicates a message of disapproval. Just as a woman is more sensitive about being heard and feeling understood when she is sharing her feelings, a man is more sensitive about being accepted just the way he is. Any attempt to improve him makes him feel as though you are trying to change him because he is not good enough.”

Men dislike 'being improved' by their partners after marriage as they feel they are 'not accepted as they are' by their women. Women need consistent emotional comfort from their partners to 'feel good about themselves'. Let us look up to the successful counseling couple Allan & Barbara Pease, they say in detail in their book, "Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps", how we men and women are different and what to do about it? In the authors' words, "The fundamental problem is simple: men and women are different. Not better or worse - just different. But society today is determined to believe that men and women possess exactly the same skills, aptitudes and potentials. Science knows that men and women are different, but political correctness does everything it can to deny it. We are who we are because of hormones. We are all the result of our chemistry. It is only by understanding the differences between men and women that we can really start building on our collective strengths - rather than on our individual weaknesses." They also point to the in-built weakness in men in understanding the bundle of emotions known as women.

Since the authors transform the family—preventing it from falling to pieces—into a peaceful one, we could call them the "Peace couple" instead of the "Pease couple"! As they say, “It is obvious to a woman when another woman is upset or feeling hurt, while a man would generally have to physically witness tears, a temper tantrum or be slapped around the face before he'd even have a clue anything was going on." In their sequel to the first book referred to above, "Why Men Lie & Women Cry", they also have an advice to both the men & women folk: "Male brains are organized for mono-tracking. They can only concentrate on one thing at a time. A woman's brain is configured for a multi-tasking performance. Most women can do several unrelated things at the same time, and brain scans reveal a woman's brain is never disengaged, it's always active even when she is asleep. Understanding the male 'one-thing-at-a-time' mentality is one of the most important things a woman can ever learn about men.  Remember, men evolved hunting animals and fighting enemies, not trying to understand them or be sensitive to their emotional needs. It's not that men aren't mind readers, it's just that most of them are not very sensitive to a woman's state of mind."

Has the couple resolved their dispute and reconciled? We shall see in the next episode... [The editor might feel that the episode length is becoming substantial once the romance, wedding, and family life kick in. That’s fine. After all, we are ensuring that conflicts between the romantic couple and the married pair don't escalate out of control!]

                                                                             -J Jeyes (www.jeyes.in)

(Both the English & Tamil versions of this series are available at: https://jeyeswrites.blogspot.com/?m=1)