Kannadasan – A Realized Master (Part 17)

Playful lovers' tiffs before marriage and clashes after marriage—this is the dynamic between men and women that has persisted from the era of Shiva and Parvati, through the days of Sivaji and Padmini, right up to Simbu and Simran. I just threw that line in for the sake of a rhyme. So, please don't go stirring up trouble or imagining a rift between these pairs because of it. Audiences might overlook poor timing regarding when a song appears in a movie, but there is an unwritten rule—one that even the illiterate seem to know—that the rhyming must be perfect in the film industry. For instance, if the first line ends with *Aavani*, the next simply has to end with *Thaavani*; it is a cinematic commandment (or perhaps our collective fate) that no one dares to break. Yet, Kannadasan defied this by using *Maangani* instead. If the boy’s line mentions *Meesai* (moustache), the girl’s line might follow with *Aasai* (desire)—these days they might just get away with *Dosai* (dosa). In the first line, 'varusham' (year) could be followed by 'purushan' (husband). Even 'parisam' (betrothal gift) would be okay—it fits. But it certainly shouldn't turn out to be 'commission'! If the first line contains the word 'Mangai', in the next line 'Gangai' must necessarily flow. But if the groom’s line speaks of *Veeraappu* (bravado), you surely know how the next line ends... what else could it be but *Maaraappu* (the edge of a saree)? Why don't the readers share the Tamil movie rhymes that made them laugh and bring some joy to everyone else? 

Now, let us look at the parallels between the songs of *Kaviyarasar* (the King of Poets) and the wisdom of Western thinkers. Can we get life lessons reading auto/biographies too? Surprisingly, this one is from a successful hotel businessman: “Most stories end with: ‘The prince and the princess got married and began to live happily ever after’. But for ordinary folks like us the real story actually begins after marriage! Understanding each other and backing each other are the most important aspects of any marriage.” He is none other than Vithal Venkatesh Kamat, who rose from the run-of-the-mill corner-store restaurant-man to the owner of a unique five-star hotel and he shares this compelling autobiography titled, “Idli, Orchid &Will Power!" 

As a voracious reader of a variety of books, I would unhesitatingly recommend series of books written by the joyful couple Allan & Barbara Pease, as a marriage gift to couples entering the delicate journey of matrimony. These books take men/women relationship understanding to new heights by revealing answers to the following questions: Why women talk so much and men so little, why men should never lie to women, why men really can't do more than one thing at a time, why women make such a mess of reverse parallel parking, why men offer solutions, but hate advice, and why women despair about men's silences. These books on gender relationship reveal answers to why are men confused about love, why women cry, why do men everywhere feel women constantly nag, what is women's top-secret point-scoring system, why do men avoid commitment, and why don't women ever get to the point. 

I have never laughed so much and learned so much at the same time. But of course, real life teaches us more than theory. Yet at least a learner’s license is important before marriage drives your nuts. These series of books are for anyone who has ever laid awake at night wondering why their partner doesn't understand them. In this thought-provoking and hilarious titles, internationally renowned relationship experts Allan and Barbara Pease draw on new findings on the brain to teach us how to lead happier, more harmonious relationships with the opposite sex, equally addressed in a balanced manner to both men and women as it is written by a practicing couple. A dose of humor is the bonus. 

Let us now turn to the songs by the poetic sage Kannadasan that depict the hardships faced by those bound by love. Using the metaphor of the flower and the bee: It is okay if a bee circles a single flower. But what if one acts like a butterfly that flirts from flower to flower? (“Ethanai malarkal thaavum pattaampoochi?”) (Film: Pattaampoochi): 

“Oh butterfly, to how many flowers do you flirt?

You flirt to so many, my dear Meenakshi!

Among men, how many are butterflies?

I have seen a thousand such men, my dear Meenakshi!” 

Kaviarasar (The King of Poets) is not merely a master of the question-and-answer format; in this song, he essentially conducts a debate on the merits of "love marriage" versus "arranged marriage"! 

“Is it a sin for a woman to choose her own partner?

Is there any real gain in choosing based merely on a glance?

What is the virtue in letting parents make the choice?

Isn't there goodness in the fact that they consider other factors too?

Consider the union of Shakti and Shiva—

It was not arranged by parents; such tales exist...

But the ways of the Primal Being

Cannot serve as a standard for our own conduct, my dear Meenakshi.” 

Right at the beginning of the song, the poet hints at the core message: "You chose your groom based on the heart and the eye... had you chosen by considering lineage and background, would he have ever abandoned you?" 

Typically, as if fulfilling a duty, a man would chase after a woman, singing lines like, "Hello Miss, hello Miss, where are you going? Why the anger today? Please stop a moment!" (“Hello Miss Hello Miss Engey Poreenga?”) and "Romance happens everywhere—from country to country and house to house—so don't run away!" (Movie: *En Kadamai*). It need not always be the man chasing a woman. Here is a song where the female is after matrimonial bliss whereas the frustrated masculine speaks of the 'temporariness' of the fleeting feelings and of life itself ("Ithu maalai nerathu mayakkam..") (Film: Dharisanam): 

"This is the intoxication of twilight; the body becomes fragrant like a garland of blossoms.

I yearn for that pleasure where lips meet lips.

This is the agitation stirred by the God of Time; we call it 'love' out of habit—

Yet, it is the beginning of the suffering a man and a woman are destined to endure." 

In this song, the lyrics go a step further, staging a debate between 'Domestic Life' (Grihastha) and 'Asceticism' (Sannyasa): 

"What if one were to rest on a lap while dew and moonlight fall?

What if one were to explore a body as smooth and pure as fresh milk?

What if the world were forgotten in a life where bodies unite?

What if one realized the truth before the daily race of life comes to an end?

There is no pleasure greater than intimacy; why hesitate to embrace?

This body is but a leaky house with nine gates; why harbor such desires within? 

Does the "nine-orifice leather bag" of a body—as described by our own local Siddhar Pattinathar—come to mind? Pattinathar was a master at driving home the truth of impermanence with striking directness. What he sang about back then concerns this foul-smelling body to which we cling with such desire: 

"Oh heart, realizing that existence is fleeting and departure is certain, harbor no ill will toward anyone; for while we cling to this corporeal frame as 'ours,' dogs, jackals, ghouls, and vultures will eventually claim it as 'theirs.'" 

Pointing out to the ultimate truth of destruction of ALL manifested beings and things, Pattinathaar advises us to hold on to the ONE which is permanent and leave the transient body in this poem: 

"This body, assembled over so many days—is it not destined to be consumed by the earth? Let us, therefore, humbly seek the feet of the Supreme One and dwell in that eternal abode beyond the cycle of day and night." 

Kannadasan through his hero toes the same line of the sage and admonishes the desirous woman to forget the temporary, as below: 

“This earth—where even a sage's mind falters—is a gateway to desire.

It is the path the heart seeks, even while trying to veil itself.

When one lies on a sickbed, love proves to be nothing but a mirage.

This is a chariot of wisdom, driven by a heart that traverses life's ups and downs.

Oh heart, you speak of asceticism when I ask for domestic love—change your ways.

Transform yourself, I am like a coconut tree that falls over after a lifetime of standing tall." 

If a debate is held, the 'Poet-Leader' must surely deliver the verdict, mustn't he? He delivers it in the song "Padaithaan Boomiyai Iraivan" (Film: *Ainthu Latcham*): 

“Woman: What is a family, Sir?

Man: It is a cooperative store.

Woman: What is domestic life?

Man: It is a temple built by two people.

 

Both: Man and woman coming together—

That is what created the world;

And that is precisely why a great upheaval

Has erupted across the entire world!” 

Is it enough for the moderator to simply announce the verdict of the debate? Shouldn't the logic behind that decision also be explained? The poet 'Gnani' provides the reasoning through a song—"Revelry by night, slumber by day; this is our world, truly our world" (“Iravinil Aattam, Pakalinil Thookkam”) (Film: *Navarathiri*): 

"If it were a sin, would God have created

Man and woman?

Would He have let the grapevine flourish

Along the traveler's path? 

If there was no mutual magnetic attraction between the opposite energy polarities of masculine & feminine, how will creation happen? Kannadasan conveys the Nature's process imbedded in every living being, which cannot simply be 'forgotten' by each: 

“Does one not feel intoxicated upon reading

An epic penned by a poet?

Do the statues carved from stone

Not leave one spellbound?

In what does this not exist? In whom is it absent?

And who has ever forgotten this?" 

The poet logically explains this immutable law of Nature in the following poem (Film: Vazhkai padagu): 

"From whom did we ask? Who told us to fall in love?

We two came together through the fate of the hero

We came thinking of one thing, we came together” 

Ego will not work in love. Contemporary gurus Jaggi and Eckhart humorously say that "you can never stand in love, you only 'fall in love'!' Unless one surrenders one's false ego personality, romance doesn't blossom between the couple. In the first line of the above song, the wise poet Kannadasan raps the knuckles of men: "I know you, who knows the king? Who will come to the palace of my heart except you?" (“Unnaithaan naan ariven, Mannavanai Yaararivaar?”). The common lament of men is, ‘How much I have achieved outside! How does this woman treat me at home? She doesn't respect me at all!’ In few words, Kannadasan smashes the ego of married men and says like this: ‘Whosoever you may be outside, the Chairman of a Company, President of an Organization, a Speaker, Actor, Writer, A King, whatsoever it may be, but your partner looks up to you as ‘her man’ and she ‘knows you’ ONLY as hers and the ONLY one to enter her heart.’ So, all titles fall apart when you enter her loving territory called home. 

How men & women belonging to the same human species can live cooperatively together harnessing their natural potential? Dr. John Gray draws on his wealth of experience from twenty years of work in couples therapy offers in his book, "Men, Women & Relationships" simple, practical techniques that can enable all men & women to experience the healthy, supportive love they deserve. He begins to point out that “Intense attraction to someone is a sign that there are many differences to harmonize, many conflicts to resolve. Because we are attracted to people who are unlike ourselves, the fundamental basis for enriching relationships is the acknowledgement that people are different. Relationships are so puzzling because we mistakenly assume that our partners are like us. To some extent they are, but in many important aspects they are different.” 

The poet Gnani Kannadasan captures this ever-changing state of a woman's mind in the song "Bharathi Kannamma Neeyadi Chinnamma" (Film: *Ninaithale Inikkum*): 

"The way the same melody is sung changes—it changes day by day;

The shapes seen in the clouds shift—they shift day by day;

Hers is a beautiful art, a state of constant flux;

Yet, what does it matter? Say what you will!" 

Showing that men and women are poles apart due to their natural tendencies, the author says, “While women tend to expand, men tend to pull back, or contract. Like the centripetal (contractive) force, men usually move toward a center or point. This explains why men are often frustrated in communicating with women. Women are apt to expand with a topic, while men want them to get to the point.” Generating an awareness of the opposite sex, John Gray advise that “Men need to understand that when women are overwhelmed, they are not necessarily trying to accuse or blame; they are just trying to talk about their problems in order to feel better. At times like these, a woman really needs to be heard. Unfortunately, most men don't know this secret. Instead, they try to make their partner feel better by explaining to her that she shouldn't be upset, or they suggest solutions to her problems. This attempt to fix her only makes matters worse.” Men are action-oriented, result-focused whereas women are relationship-oriented and feelings-focused. 

Based on the different needs of both the sexes and their communication styles, the author goes on to help, “One of the biggest areas of conflict and frustration between men and women is communication. This is because men listen and talk for different reasons than women. Men listen to gather information in order to solve problems, while women listen in order to relate or share. Men talk when they have a specific point to make, or when they are helping someone else to solve a problem. Women talk in order to explore a topic as well as to discover themselves!” 

Having lived with the other gender for this long, we all understand from our own life experience, what is what in theory, but how to ‘practically’ deal with everyday life’s trials and tribulations? He gives doable action points: “Every day, a woman needs to receive some form of verbal reassurance that she is loved. This means saying things like "I love you." Men sometimes stop saying "I love you" because they want to be new and original. They imagine that a woman would grow tired of it or become bored by it.” The author concludes his argument like this, “There are seven basic emotional needs or attitudes that are essential to creating a truly loving and emotionally supportive relationship: love, caring, understanding, respect, appreciation, acceptance, and trust.’ 

Speaking of Kannadasan, we looked at "Hello Miss, Hello Miss." Shouldn't we also take a look at his "Hello, hello—are you well? Are you doing fine?" (“Hello, hello Sugama?”) (Film *Dharmam Thalai Kaakkum*). In upcoming episodes, let’s explore the techniques couples can use to save their heads... Otherwise, if it turns into a headache—like taking a wrong turn and dialing the wrong number—(“Hello My Dear Wrong Number”), it might just transform into a 'Manmadha Leelai' (a romantic escapade). 

-Jeyes (www.jeyes.in)

(Both the English & Tamil versions of this series are available at: https://jeyeswrites.blogspot.com/?m=1)