Kannadasan – A Realized Master (Part 30)

 

In the last episode, we were looking at the psychological effect of parental conflict in the presence of children in families and the ways to bring up young children consciously. James J Mapes in his book, "Quantum Leap Thinking: An Owner's Guide to the Mind" also points to the damage caused by criticism between parents in front of children like this: "Unenlightened parents (or managers) become proficient at the art of using criticism to manipulate. They retard the creative spirit of the child or employee. On the other hand, constructive suggestion - criticism given with care and love - keeps the soul and spirit intact. Criticism then becomes a tool for learning instead of a weapon for destruction. If I were in charge of the educational system, I would insist that every child be taught visualization. I would teach children to be aware of how they create their own futures and to assume responsibility for their own reality." 

Motivational author Zig Ziglar in his book, "Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World" takes the case to the new level of male-chauvinism in parenting. He points to the current reality of working couple and the problems that come up, like this: "Many times, however, when husbands and wives both works, far too many men have been conditioned to believe that preparing dinner, cleaning the kitchen, helping the kids with homework, and tucking them into bed are things the wife and mother is supposed to do. Most women carry a double burden: an inside job taking care of their homes and families, and an outside job, working for wages. Most men, on the other hand, can come home and do little more about their families than help with household chores and with the children. Helping is useful, but it is not the same as doing; it leaves the basic responsibility to women. All the worries, all the headaches, all the planning, all the management, all the DOING is theirs. How many men understand this? If mom and dad are openly thoughtful and affectionate with each other, evidenced by a little hand holding, expressions of love, and non-sexual hugging, children very early learn that the family is a loving unit, that it's nice to have a mate of one's very own. When loving parents demonstrate kindness and caring toward each other, children learn more about the proper attitude and behavior toward the opposite sex than by any other method." 

After all, the reality is that we have all grown up seeing our parents struggle with bringing up a bunch of kids. How to get out of our past conditioning and behavioral wiring and stop this family drama forever in our families? Alice Miller in her book, "The Drama of the Gifted Child" shows the way: "We become free by transforming ourselves from unaware victims of the past into responsible individuals in the present, who are aware of our past and are thus able to live with it. Most people do exactly the opposite. Without realizing that the past is constantly determining their present actions, they avoid learning anything about their history. 

An adult can be fully aware of his feelings only if he had caring parents or caregivers. People who were abused and neglected in childhood are missing this capacity and are therefore never overtaken by unexpected emotions. We cannot, simply by an act of will, free ourselves from repeating the patterns of our parents' behavior - which we had to learn very early in life. We become free of them only when we can fully feel and acknowledge the suffering they inflicted on us. Consciously experiencing our legitimate emotions is liberating, not just because of the discharge of long-held tensions in the body but above all because it opens our eyes to reality (both past and present) and frees us of lies and illusions. The inescapable conclusion is that for people to be able to organize their lives, they must have access to their emotions. To act rationally they would require access to their true feelings, their genuine selves. One thing we can say is that the latest scientific findings confirm something that many therapists already know from experience: Rational, constructive action depends not only on the intactness of our intellectual faculties, but also on the extent to which we have access to our true emotions. Technology can never replace this function of the brain. It is thus high time for us to engage in the active investigation of our feelings." 

A family overflows with joy as children grow up. In his book, "Tuesdays with Morrie: An old man, a young man, and life's greatest lesson", Mitch Albom says, “If you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children." Yet, when they mature, develop their own distinct personalities and preferences, and—asserting "my path is my own"—leave the parental nest to strike out on their own, the result is often nothing but lamentation. We saw the profound philosophical truth—"In human life, every ailment stems from the mind"—which the poet-sage had so starkly articulated, reflected in the song "Annan Ennada, Thambi Ennada" (Film:  *Palani*). There is a famous saying that "If you want to see the future of this world, look into eyes of the child." But if your own children see 'their future’ outside home, human parents struggle to accept this fact, whereas the so-called 'mind-less' birds and bees, animals and fish seem not to suffer so much and easily accept it realizing the nature of life itself and in line with the evolving of next generation. Rather, many parents of such species push their babies into the outside world, empowering them during initial days to handle the rough and tumble of life on their own. It is surprising that ONLY humans who take, over 18 years to empower their children and suffers when the fully developed adult (by friends, school, society) ventures outside. The lines that particularly deserve our attention are these: 

“Though mother and child share a bond,

Their mouths and stomachs are separate entities;

In the milling crowd of the marketplace,

What meaning does ‘kinship’ truly hold?

Look how crowds gather around while one is prosperous;

But who values ​​a broken pot in a home

Where the coffers have run dry?

If devotion is reserved solely for money,

Why cling to bonds of affection?

True brothers are simply those who embrace

And comfort a heart in distress!” 

However, this line reflects not just the poet’s playful wit but a practical reality: “The mother does not grieve when her grown fledglings fly away!” It is often the father who makes a greater fuss and laments the departure of the chicks from the nest—a sentiment Kannadasan has vividly captured in his songs (“Yaarai Nambi Naan poranthen pongadaa ponga”) (Film: *Enga Oor Raja*): 

"On whom did I pin my hopes when I was born?

Just go away, all of you.

My time will triumph; come back only after I have won.

If one bears a coconut tree, one gets tender coconuts;

If one bears a child, one gets tears.

A parent's heart is filled with anguish,

While a child's heart turns to stone.

When there is rice in the pot, even cats become kin;

But when it is time to share one's trials, neither kith nor kin remain.

With a heart full of courage and a mind clear and focused,

I shall accomplish whatever I set my mind to.

Who are you? Who am I? Just go away...

If the winds blow in the month of Aadi,

The rains will follow in Aippasi;

When the right time arrives, prosperity will come seeking you out!" 

A unique trait of the poet-sage was his tendency to infuse lines of hope into the final stanza of even the most sorrowful songs. Borrowing the sentiment from the great poet Bharathiyar—"If tears stream from your eyes, my heart bleeds"—Kannadasan penned these poignant lines for a protagonist who, having seen his children leave the family home, turns to his wife in a moment of emotional surrender (“Un kannil neer vazhinthaal.”) (Film: *Vietnam Veedu*): 

"What use are a thousand relationships—like the hanging roots of a banyan tree?

You were the true root; because of you, I did not fall.

 

Like a bed of thorns that denies the eyelids their rest,

It is my own children who have caused me such folly and grief;

I have children in name, and kin who speak the language of family,

 

But who truly understands my needs?

Only a divine soul like you could ever know!" 

Internationally renowned psychiatrist Victor E Frankl endured years of unspeakable horror in Nazi death camps. During, and partly because of his suffering, he developed a revolutionary approach to psychotherapy known as logotherapy. At the core of his theory is the belief that man's primary motivational force is his search for meaning. In his book, "Man's Search for Meaning", Victor E Frankl says, "A man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus, suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore, the 'size' of human suffering is absolutely relative." 

In these times, when grown-up children abandon their elderly parents in old-age homes, how can one raise children to be 'responsible' without simply thrusting a mobile phone into their hands? In his book, “The Secret of Happy Children”, Steve Biddulph helps you with parent-child communication from babyhood to teens. It has received widespread praise as a book which gives you heart to be more yourself as a parent – stronger, more loving, more definite, more relaxed. Reading this book, you’ll find yourself letting go of old, negative approaches, and freeing up more energy to enjoy your kids and take back your life. Indian author Prashant Brahmane points out in his book, "Making Best of Childhood" that "Small people talk about past events; big people talk about present and bigger ones talk about future events. If you don't know your strengths, that's your weakness. If you know your weakness, that's your strength." 

In the previous episode, we briefly touched upon the popular song by the poet Gnani: "Children and the Divine are alike in nature; both share a heart that readily forgives faults" (“Kuzhanthaiyum Deivamum Gunathaal Ondru”). Let us now explore this in greater detail. The poet advises parents not to remain mired in the hardships of their past: 

"Sages and scholars of old have said

That dwelling on the past brings only sorrow." 

We must learn from past experiences and ensure we do not—in a moment of emotional unawareness—repeat our own parents' mistakes with our children. The children we have today are new beings, partially shaped by our DNA. Kannadasan beautifully articulates why the Divine resides close to a child: 

"At birth, the heart was open and pure,

And the Divine came to dwell within the child;

But as age advanced, confusion clouded the heart,

And the Divine, once resident there, drifted slightly away." 

The poet suggests that a parent's hearts, too, must remain open; otherwise, turbulent emotions can lead to discord between husband and wife regarding child-rearing: 

"Clouds obscure the blazing midday sun,

Just as anger veils the sun within our hearts;

When the wind blows, the clouds drift away,

And open dialogue transforms anger into affection.

 

Those who were once children grew into adults,

Yet anger caused those adults to shrink in stature;

But through their guileless, innocent hearts,

Children remain the living embodiments

Of the Divine before our very eyes!" 

Long ago, the poet Maruthakasi sang, "Is a child one's own only if born of one's womb?"—proclaiming that a child not born to you is no different from the Divine (“Kuzhanthaiyum deivamum kondaadum idaththiley”) (Film: *Vannakkili*): 

"In the realm where children and the Divine are cherished,

They merge as one—a truth known to the world.

 

If one possesses a heart filled with rain-like compassion,

And a nature that embraces others with open arms,

The child forgets the label of 'stepmother,'

And comes to sit upon her lap with a beaming, flower-like face.

 

A child need not be born of one's own womb to be truly one's own;

Such bonds transcend the boundaries of kinship or blood ties.

For the child is a divine being who is captivated

By the nectar of boundless love, whoever may offer it." 

Poet Vaali was certainly not one to be outdone. In the film *Petraalthaan Pillaiya?*, he sang, "This nation relies on its fine children, my friend" (“Nalla Nalla Pillaikalai Nambi”)  and went on to explain what one could gain from one's parents: "You can receive love from your mother and wisdom from your father; possess both, and you can earn a great reputation—and with that reputation, you can win over the world!" 

Pouring out love isn't difficult at all, Sir; it flows out naturally when it comes to children. The real challenge lies in teaching them about 'responsibility.' After all, that is the only way to ensure one doesn't end up in an old-age home in one's later years. "Teaching Your Children Responsibility" is a direct book in which authors Linda & Richard Eyre, underscore that responsibility is perhaps the most important value parents can teach their children. They hand-hold young parents like this: "We keep on worrying about the whole range of uncertainties that lie in our children's future and try to protect them in all respects.  The only real and lasting way to protect our children is to teach them to be responsible for themselves.   This process we can start with our children before they start going to school.  Once they finish the elementary school, the chances are less. Responsibility means to become mature in the sense of being responsible to family, to self, to society...... being responsible for all aspects of our lives and our situations, talents, potential, feelings, thoughts, actions & freedom. 

The potential of child is unimaginable, yet, by trying to imagine it, we can help that child reach toward it. Children who never learn to work not only fail to accomplish worthwhile things as adults, but they also forfeit one of the basic joys and fulfillments of life.  As parents in modern society, we don't realize the benefits of work for our children.  We consider them either too young for the responsibility or too old to be bothered with little jobs. The greatest challenge of mankind is to create peace within the world and the greatest challenge of an individual is to create peace within himself." 

‘Assigning household chores to young children? What an outrage! You wouldn't place a heavy palm fruit on a sparrow's head, would you, Sir?’ We already met Roberta M Gilbert in the earlier episode with her book, “Connecting with our Children: Guiding Principles for Parents in a Troubled World”. She is frank in saying that parents need not know ALL the answers but they only have to help their children learn by their own experiences: "When we don't pretend to know all the answers, we encourage the development of resourcefulness and thoughtful problem-solving in our children. How will children grow into responsible adulthood except in a gradual step-wise fashion, taking more and more responsibility for their lives? If we are always there with the answers, how will they every learn to struggle through to their own?  When stressed optimally, humans think better, respond creatively, and experience life as satisfying. In other words, no stress at all is experienced as a boring life and that situation in itself can constitute a stress. 

Humor, a form of play, dissipates anxiety, restores perspective, and no doubt in this way readjusts brain chemistry. As a result of these changes, moods improve, energy increases, and people get along with each other more cooperatively. Help children become as familiar as possible with what is likely to happen in an encounter. Predictability reduces fear of the unknown. Knowing what's going to happen allows children prepare themselves for it, and perhaps to be predisposed to find enjoyment in it. In this way, successful self-fulfilling prophecy is built into the experience." 

Readers may think that 'all these should be taught to children in schools as we are paying lakhs of rupees and the children spend quite long hours there.' But Gilbert underlines the fact, "Our educational system with all its tests and evaluations is often not helpful to building self-esteem in children. The testing system is set up to highlight negative evaluations, since what gets marked and noticed are the wrong answers. Children are not getting validated for what they do correctly, which would nurture positive success, but evaluated in light of their failures. I feel one of the most important skills adults can model for children is the flexibility to think creatively in order to find alternative solutions to problems: finding creative ways to meet your own needs and those of your children." 

We have already seen the 'Monkey See Monkey Do' truth as far as mirror-neurons in humans are concerned. Parents can themselves present as role models before their children, which helps them to copy their behavior for future repetition. Based on his path-breaking research, Dr. Bruce Lipton in his book, "Biology of Belief", says, "Conscious Parenting describes how most of us unavoidably acquired limiting or self-sabotaging beliefs that were downloaded into our subconscious minds when we were children. There are a variety of “energy” psychology techniques, which exploit the latest mind-body research to quickly access and reprogram those subconscious programs. Young children carefully observe their environment and download the worldly wisdom offered by parents directly into their subconscious memory. As a result, their parents’ behavior and beliefs become their own." 

We ended the previous episode with the world-renowned Human Psychology concept of ‘T.A.’ You may ask, ‘What Sir, in his hurry burry of life when parents are dumping children from one special class to another after school, how can they ‘program’ children consciously to grow as mature Adults? Where is time for all this?’ Here’s a solution for the married couple planning for children:  Do that programming in the womb itself. Shocked? 

The poetic genius—who famously sang the song about the hand pulling away after being burnt by the pot (“Satti suttathadaa”) and penned the lyrics for film "Aalaya Mani"—also hinted at the concept that "the soul existed even before birth." After all, before birth, children are merely unbaked clay, aren't they? Shall we explore how children can be shaped before they are born, when they are in the mother’s womb? ...In the next episode…. 

-J Jeyes (www.jeyes.in)