Kannadasan – A Realized Master (Part 25)

 

When a rift develops between lovers, the tone of speech turns harsh first. Then, a heavy silence lingers for days. An ego clash arises over who should speak first. Communication regarding daily chores is reduced to brief grunts like "Mmm... mmm." Forget about long conversations. If a couple who were conversing naturally suddenly cuts the conversation short or falls silent, it implies something is up. If, upon being pressed for an answer, they simply say "nothing," one must realize that the situation is serious. ‘Something’ is THERE hurting their minds. It is much like the lyrics from the song "Aasai Irukku... Nenjil Aasai Irukku" (Film: *En Annan*): "It stands right before us, blinking uncertainly, while something massive looms in the background!" 

In his book “Quantum Leap Thinking: An Owner's Guide to the Mind”, author James J. Mapes clarifies: "People, situations, or things do not make us angry; we make ourselves angry. They do not make us depressed; we make ourselves depressed. We create our own emotional reactions. Focusing on what we do not need and focusing on what we do need require equal amounts of energy; both generate consequences." 

"Dialogue With Death:  A Journey Through Consciousness" by Eknath Easwaran is a good book to refer to for human relationship challenges. He says, "When your mind is calm, patient, and compassionate, you do not respond to life with anger. Your blood pressure is not affected by an insult; your heart does not race when you are contradicted; all the vital functions of the body keep their appropriate pace. This is the kind of control I am interested in, for it has a direct bearing on living in full health, free from rigidity and destructive ways of thinking. The intellect that sees only a small corner of life makes a very poor guide. We follow it like the blind lead by the blind. As long as we are looking at the world through the whirring process that is the mind, the mind is all we see. We may think we are observing the world outside, but we are not; what we see, taste, smell, hear and even touch is the mind-process itself. As one prominent scientist puts it, we never really experience the world around us; all we encounter is our own nervous system. I would put it more practically: we do not see life as it is; we see it as we are. 

Look at what this does to relationships. Most of us never really see the people we live with. Our boyfriend may be right before our eyes, but we do not see him. We see our idea of him, a little model we have made in mind, and on that we pronounce our judgments. This lends itself to comedy easily. When I talk to you, I am really talking to my idea of you! This world love is used so commonly today that we have all but forgotten what it means. Because of our physical orientation, we think in terms of one-to-one relationships over candlelight and wine, 'dancing cheek to cheek', or sitting together under a swaying palm tree admiring the moon... All this is just the shadow of love. We are not made to love only one or two individuals. We have the immense capacity to be in love with everyone, with every creature -not in some abstract way, but as Buddha says, as a mother loves her only child." 

In his book, "Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World", Zig Ziglar gives the following advice to the warring couple who give silent treatment to each other: "There is no way I can oversell the importance of husbands and wives talking to each other. The number one complaint the average housewife has is that her husband deals only in facts and figures and communicates only the barest amount of information. There are many opportunities, even when both husbands and wives work, for them to engage in small talk, which is so important to the health of the relationship and extremely important." The quality of our life is determined by the quality of our relationships and communication is the key to relationships at all levels whether it is domestic, professional or social. Lack of communication has caused untold havocs in human history. Wars were waged, friendships were spoiled, marriages were broken and families were ruined for want of proper communication. In his book, "The Art of Communicating Effectively", author J Maurus counsels the warring couple like this: "Many people talk at or to each other but rarely with each other. One can see why so many people hear what they want to hear and not what is said. Truly there is lack of communication of tolerance, of respect, of affection, of caring or concern. Communication cannot be taken for granted and is definitely difficult. We must always consider our own emotional state and the human reality of the other person and we cannot give or throw at him or her more than he or she can handle. Married men and women each speak a different language, even when they voice the same words. When a husband murmurs "yes, dear", he means that he is listening, but doesn't hear so good; When the wife sighs "yes, dear", she means " I hear you, but I am not listening". 

Maurus gives statistical proof for his argument: "We are bombarded by messages. One study said that we receive between 1700 to 2500 messages a day. We remember only 65 of them. This means that we turn off or block out hundreds of messages. Another study about our retention capability suggests that we remember 10 per cent of what we read. We retain 20 per cent of what we hear. We retain 30 per cent of what we see. We retain 50 per cent of what we see and hear. First, Communication usually fails, except by chance. Second, if a message can be understood in different ways, it will be understood in just the way which does the most harm. Third, there is always somebody who knows better than you what you meant by your message. Fourth, the more communication there is, the more difficult it is for communication to succeed." 

The author also brings to attention the most-ignored part of human communication: "Listening is perhaps the most overlooked aspect of the communication. The word communicate almost always connotes talking rather than listening. Yet, no matter how eloquently a person speaks, if no one is listening to him, no communication is taking place! A communication necessarily begins with the self, with the communication that goes on within the self, in the intrapersonal communication. It is the basis of all communication with others. A person with a positive self-concept is able to communicate more effectively, while negative feelings usually block communication at all levels. In communication even more important than knowledge is the life of the emotions. We cannot communicate well without consciously responding to our feelings as well as to those of others. Feelings simply are. There are neither right nor wrong, but they can be an obstacle or a well to communication." 

After all, what exactly happened between our couple Sir? Let us ask them! It is a dilemma over who should speak first—much like the song penned by Kannadasan (from the movie *Kumari Penn*): 

"Woman: You say it Man: You say it

Woman: Hmm, hmm... You say it

Man: You tell me what happened

Woman: You say it Man: You say it

Woman: Hmm, hmm... You say it" 

This is not the kind of silence that arises during romance—like the sentiment: "I yearn to speak, my heart throbs with the urge, yet though I have a voice, I struggle, lacking the very words to say it!" (Sollathaan ninaikiren”). Nor is it the kind of silence that arises during romance—where, as the saying goes, "When eyes speak, what need is there for words?"—or the sentiment found in the song "Kaveri Karai Irukku" (Film: *Thaayai Kaatha Thanayan*): "Love knows no sleep; when eyes meet, words fall silent." Nor is it the wonder felt after love has been confessed (Film: *Ethirkaalam*): "Did silence speak? Did a trance speak? Did my heart flow like poetry through my eyes?" (“Mounam pesiyatho?”). (Thanks to my editor-friend Muthukumar for suggesting this song!). Nor is it the feeling that words are unnecessary (“Paarvai ondrey pothume, pallaayiram sol vendumo?” (Film: *Yaar Nee*): "A single glance suffices; do we need a thousand words? Can silent eyes speak? Does one need the woman, or is the glance enough?" Reaching a new pinnacle, the *Kaviyarasar* (King of Poets) penned these lines for the song "Nilave Ennidam Nerungathe" (Film: *Ramu*): "Who knows the dream of a mute person? Who will open the door to my heart?" Yet, this is not the case here; the woman portraying a silent maiden is not actually mute—unable to speak—when she sings this song (“Mouname paarvaiyaal oru paatu paadavendum”) (Film: *Kodi Malar*): 

"Oh Silence, you must sing a song through a mere glance;

Oh Bashfulness, you must speak a word through a gesture.

Oh Water-lily maiden, may the honey of your jasmine-like lips

Overflow like a river of nectar...

 

Oh string of pearls... when you are by my side, what need is there

For spoken words to express my feelings?

Upon this lovely, petite face of yours,

Many languages ​​should come to learn their lessons." 

What kind of silence is this, then? This silence is one that pricks the conscience, raising the question: "Have I committed a wrong by getting entangled in the bonds of desire?" The couple is newly united, isn't it? Their relationship has not yet fully strengthened; it remains as fragile as a 'fence of thread' (*Nool Veli*): 

"Oh conscience, playing amidst the silence...

Turning into a thousand thoughts and blissful dreams,

Yet dissolving into tears if the deed goes awry;

You are a secret cavern... a stage for drama...

Are you not a testing ground, oh heart?

Are you not the mother of sorrow?

A single moment's error makes you writhe for ages;

You pour out the mute's unspoken language through the eyes.

 

A witness to truth, yet a witness to lies...

You belong to no one, oh heart...

Are you not man's own shadow?

Turning to stone in desire, melting like wax in fear...

No matter whose face you see, you agonize in suspicion!" 

This is a silent battle. There are many kinds of silence, as the writer Gnani has noted. Let us hear now, the eerie silence that prevails when a dead body is being carried to the cremation ground (“Antha naalu perukku nandri”) (Film: *Sangae Muzhangu*): 

"There are no words to express what lies within my heart;

I was not born mute, nor have my emotions faded.

As I bear the weight of your body to carry it away...

I have no claim to you; God had entrusted you to others—

My gratitude to those four bearers!

 

"Relationships and affection are shackles forged by God;

The heart is designed for both weeping and laughter.

River waters flow on their own, but the flood of desire seeks companionship;

If there are no kin around, one needs those four people at that moment.

 

"To the orphans who have no mother, they lend their shoulders and carry the burden—

My gratitude to those four bearers!" When sharing joy, a smile speaks of gratitude;

When finding support in sorrow, tears speak of gratitude.

 

To those who walk with us in life, we offer thanks through words;

When we part ways, we offer thanks through silence.” 

‘What an abrupt turn—taking us straight from a wedding to a death procession? Please don't be surprised.’ Let's shift the mood. Let us listen to the Western speakers who have said loudly and wonderfully on the topic of 'Silence'. They are paradoxical, funny, philosophical and poetic observations. “Silence is golden, especially when you don't know what to say” is an English proverb. Poet George Eliot said, “Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving in words evidence of the fact.” “A closed mouth catches no flies.” is another proverb. On a serious note, “The most profound statements are often said in silence”, Lynn Johnston seems to have said.  Wise man Mark Twain quipped, “It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.”  Napoleon Bonaparte declared, “Wise men, when in doubt whether to speak or to keep quiet, give themselves the benefit of the doubt, and remain silent.” 

Sometimes silence means agreement; sometimes it means disagreement; sometimes it means indifference—and sometimes it means that a person simply has nothing left to say. On silence between people: “Silence is the language of the wise.” “Sometimes silence is the best answer”, said Dalai Lama. “Silence speaks when words can't.” is another proverb. The serious saint Mother Teresa said, “We need silence to be able to touch souls.” Lao Tzu underscored the value of keeping the mouth and mind shut: “Silence is a source of great strength.” Francis Bacon also agreed by saying, “Silence is the sleep that nourishes wisdom.” The Chinese master Confucius is clear: “Silence is a true friend who never betrays.” Leonardo da Vinci remarked, “Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence.” “Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute”, said Josh Billings. Some more understanding of use of silence in social settings, Rumi sang, “The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.” “He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words” indicated Elbert Hubbard. 

What is Indian spiritual view on silence? The Indian tradition takes silence considerably further than simply not talking. Mauna can mean disciplined silence—turning attention inward. The paradox is beautifully expressed in the famous Upanishadic idea that the highest truth cannot adequately be expressed in words.  “Silence is the language of God.” And the story traditionally associated with our own Dakshinamurti portrays the teacher teaching the highest truth through silence. Sri Ramana Maharishi and Buddha also insisted on studious silence to turn inward and realize the truth. Silence is not empty; it is full of answers. 

Some useful advice for our estranged couple, especially when your spouse is angry are: “Never miss a good chance to shut up”, suggested Will Rogers.  "Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand", remarked someone. Mischievous Stephen Stills offered alternatives: “There are three things’ men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.” “Silence is the best answer to a fool.” More practical advice is: “The less you talk, the more people think you're intelligent.” And our warring couple seem to practice this it appears: “Sometimes you just have to be quiet and let people be wrong.” I don't want to interrupt people while they're making themselves look stupid. Silence is golden but unfortunately, most people prefer to speak in cash instead of preferring the yellow metal. Silence is the art of saying nothing when everything you could say would make things worse. Sometimes the wisest thing to say is nothing. Unfortunately, wisdom is rarely contagious. A wise man knows when to speak. A wiser man knows when his wife has stopped listening. Silence is the only conversation where nobody can interrupt you. There comes a time in every argument when silence becomes cheaper than being right. 

Dealing with the power of silence in his book, "Stillness Speaks", Eckhart Tolle says: "True intelligence operates silently. Stillness is where creativity and solutions to problems are found. We have for-gotten what rocks, plants, and animals still know. We have forgotten how to be - to be still, to be ourselves, to be where life is: Here and Now. Here's a new spiritual practice for you: don't take your thoughts too seriously."  Eknath Easwaran, an interesting author to read says in his book, "Take Your Time: Finding Balance in a Hurried World":  A mind that is fast is sick. A mind that is slow is sound. A mind that is still is divine. Imagine that the mind is a kind of television with thoughts constantly changing channels. In this case, though, the remote-control device is out of our hands; the mind is changing channels on its own. Our internal channel is broadcasting all the time. The mental TV is never turned off. During the day, during the night, this constant broadcasting is influencing our behavior. 

If you have trained your mind to give complete attention to one thing at a time, you can achieve your goal in any walk of life. And complete concentration is genius. When the mind is going too fast, it naturally begins to affect the body, because body and mind are not separate, they work together. That is why, I say, give plenty of time to your children. Be patient with your partner, your co-workers, and your friends. It is love that is more important - the harmony of the home, the harmony of the workplace, the harmony of your life. Everywhere, take your time, so that you do not give the mind an opportunity to speed up and get out of control." 

Would the couple remain in 'silent mode' even after all the advice? As she pleaded, "Don't act like a silent ascetic," and he begged, "Don't wear such a gloomy face; smile a little,".  As the 'dove of peace' flies in the song from *Kavignani*, a sigh of relief follows—for us too! (“Amaithi puraave..”) (Film: *Thaaye Unakkaga*): 

“Oh, Dove of Peace,

Oh, Dove of Peace,

I am calling out to you;

Oh, Serenity, Serenity,

I cherish you. 

The heroine, having found 'peace', sings this to bring positive vibrations to the family (Film: *Soothattam*): 

“I light the lamp; May it burn through the night;

May all the days ahead Unfold auspiciously.

You bestowed auspiciousness with turmeric;

On this bridal bed, I shall offer a sacred mantra.

Sandal paste is anointed upon the heart;

Let the vermilion you gave caress it gently.

My woman’s heart has embraced you as its sanctuary;

Now, your heart shall cherish me beyond measure.

 

To me, my home and the temple are one and the same;

It is here that I came to find the meaning of life.

In the rain that falls upon the blossoming season,

The fields yield rich fruits and abundant grain;

In the rain bestowed by the cloud that is my husband,

A child shall come to rest in the young wife's lap.

I seek the divine spirit of love in our conduct;

May you be the guardian deity through your love!” 

A husband, too, needs to woo his wife! Only then will the lamp she has lit remain unextinguished by the coming storm (“Anbu vanthathu ennai aala vanthathu”) (Film: Sudarum Sooraavaliyum): 

"Love has arrived, come to reign over me;

Kinship has arrived; a divine paradise has come.

If I live, I shall live for you always;

I shall cherish and protect you like a flower that never fades.

 

Let us live a life that others would admire;

Adorned in fine clothes and jewels, let us wear fresh flowers daily...

Let us find peace in each other's eyes, free from worry;

Let us forge a bond, confident that our relationship will triumph over time." 

Shouldn't we also happily resolve the family dispute and offer a lesson—in the style of a poet “Aalayam enbathu veedaakum”) (Film: *Thamarai Nenjam*): 

“A temple becomes a home if one holds it dear;

It becomes a palace of bliss if one serves it.

Fragrance lingers in the hand that gathers colorful flowers;

The Divine dwells in the heart that performs noble service.

 

Your heart is a mirror—a guileless woman's heart;

My innocent heart yearns to bond with you.

Living amidst kin—even at great cost—is joy;

Sharing one's meal and resources is supreme bliss.

 

This home of good people is a university;

A gathering place for living deities.

Lively and radiant, day after day,

This home feels like a wedding celebration.” 

The 'King of Poets' (Kaviarasar) sang in the film *Aalayam*: "A temple is a sanctuary, and a family is a sanctuary too; God resides within the person whose arms offer a loving embrace." Following the poet's path, let us also offer our greetings to the couple (Film: *Oru Oodhappoo Kannsimittugiradhu*—'A Purple Flower Winks'): 

“Long live this noble heart; may the nation celebrate you.

Like sweet Tamil, like the life-giving rain from the heavens,

May you flourish and live forever.

A heart as gentle and pure as the lotus flower...

In her, the very essence of womanhood finds its home.

She has come to adorn this home, making it a sanctuary—

I offer my blessings for a life of happiness and prosperity.” 

There remains yet another kind of silence. Do not be afraid. This is not the heavy silence born of a quarrel; it is the silence born of a union. It is the silence of Kamban’s era—a silence of a different nature. The poet-sage did not leave even that unaddressed. Let us reflect on this in the next episode...

-Jeyes (www.jeyes.in)