Kannadasan – A Realized Master (Part 19)
In the
previous episode, we explored many lessons for both men and women on how to
prevent friction in love, marriage, and family life. The poet-philosopher
Kannadasan beautifully expressed this sentiment in a song “Kaadhal kaadhal
endru pesai kannan vanthaano?”) (Film: *Utharavindri Ulle Vaa*):
"Did
Kannan come to speak of love?
Did the
King arrive at the perfect moment to weave his magic?
Oh Kannan,
the Vrindavan you cherish—
My heart
is the floral canopy for our wedding."
‘Women
deeply desire appreciation and constant attention from men.’ Kannadasan also captures
the psychological insight that ‘men, in turn, crave appreciation and praise for
their achievements in the outside world and their unique feats of daring’,
weaving this understanding right into the lyrics of a love song:
"If
you cherish me with a garland of flowers,
I shall
cradle you with a garland of praise;
Upon the
bridal bed, a tender drama unfolds—
I shall
come to whisper words of love and offer you, my heart."
In a
previous episode, we briefly touched upon Parvati—likened to an
electron—orbiting Shiva, the nucleus. Now, consider this: as the feminine
energy 'Electra' (as it is known in the West) orbits the nucleus—which remains
in a state of absolute stillness—Shiva stirs into motion; this movement
triggers creation or fission. Conversely, if Shiva remains indifferent to his
consort and the electron veers off its orbital path to diverge, the result is
fission or separation/divorce. In Indian spirituality, Shiva and Shakti are
depicted as the primordial forms. Let us now observe the eternal drama enacted
in the homes of those who have been created in this manner.
People
enter into communication/interaction/relationship with others in order to meet
their own needs. If both the husband and wife (or lovers) understand the mutual
emotional needs of each other and also meet those needs, the family
relationship will blossom every day. They will be okay with each in any
circumstance. They will NOT play every day 'games' to 'manage' each other or
avoid every incident (minefields), to escape being hurt. The okay reminds of a
famous old book, " I’M OK YOU’RE OK” By: Thomas A Harris. The concept of
T.A. (Transactional Analysis) developed later and enhanced by Dr.Eric Berne in
his series of famous books titled, "Games People Play", "What Do
You Say After You Say Hello?", etc. is an interesting framework for
everyone. Transaction is nothing but communication between two people. Knowing
about TA can be very useful for improving our communication skills between
couples and within the family. It will help the couples to sustain
complimentary communication between them rather than each 'crossing the other'
in every interaction. Crossed communication also leads to arguments and playing
hide & seek games in the family. Stopping the playing of games is the first
step in eventually replacing them with direct and honest interactions between
family members and abandoning the dysfunctional ego positions and following a
known life script. Do you recall the brilliant lines we saw in the earlier
episode written by Kannadasan here, in the song "Oh Hero of Questions,
what is the answer to this question?" (“Kelviyin Naayagane, intha kelvikku
bathil ethaiyaa?”) "Illatha medai ondril ezhuthaatha naadakathai ellorum
nadikkindrom, athai naame ellorum paarkindrom!" (Film: Apoorva Raahangal).
These dramas are staged at home every day. Moreover, they are committed to
memory and subsequently used for the next play.
Why so
many complications in human communication, particularly in our homes? Let us
find out. Consider the family as a cohesive team of loving, trustworthy
individuals (which is the very family concept throughout humanity). If you a
bachelor or spinster, the communication is internal, i.e., the
non-stop-non-sense self-talk happening throughout the waking hours inside our
head. If you are in love or marry another, just add one more number for verbal
interactions (including inside both the heads there are four people actually talking,
two inside and two outside!). But just wonder how many could be the number of
interactions if a child is born? Now there are three relationships inside the
family and the communications are nine. Though these days GenZ don't want to
marry at all, leave alone producing a kid. But just a decade back families used
to go for another kid, wishing, if the first one is male, the second one as a
female, just to balance the sex-ratio at least inside family. Nature has
sometimes surprised many couples with twins, triplets or even quadruplets in
the second attempt!
If there
is a second child in the family, the number of interpersonal relationships go
up to 6 and the number of interactions possible shoots up exponentially to,
just hold your breath, 28! Think of the old days when at least one elder
generation, mother or father of either of the couple, was in the family, at
least to take care of the grandkid/s. Then the five-member team has 10
relations and possible interactions goes up to 75. To end, just in case two
grandparents, from either of the couple's family happen to be alive and stay
together (only two of those four), the family of six will have 15 'complicated'
relationships and a staggering 186 type of communication interphases. How on
earth, we can expect peace in families, with such a high complication, just
number wise, leave alone the crossed communications and other 'games people
play'! Please note as the size of the family increases, satisfaction of each
member decreases, time to make everyday decisions increases (like what to eat,
which cinema to see on the TV, etc), cohesion decreases, disagreement within
family increases, factions and antagonism increase, family member participation
decreases as some go loud-mouth or shouts-down and others go silently to their
rooms, cursing and generating more family drama in the future. In the past,
many had the opportunity to bury their faces in a book and lose themselves in a
world of dreams. Nowadays, there is always the mobile phone. You might get a
"Mm-hmm" in response, but even though the person is physically present,
their mind is "somewhere else."
After all,
every human being hungers for appreciation (technically called 'stroke') and
hunger for recognition is universal in humans. Positive appreciation of the
partner results in joy, happiness & motivation while negative comments lead
to sorrow, silent treatments in families, as the hurt one privately licks
his/her wounds and continue to play emotional games. But the worst kind is to
remain indifferent to the other. It is a well-known truth about humans is that
'if you want to punish a person, just ignore him/her' as everyone us is longing
for attention.
The truth
of 'PEOPLE NEED PEOPLE' funda was later developed by Will Schutz (pioneering
American psychologist and creator of the FIRO theory). He wrote in his series
of books, "The Interpersonal Underworld", "The Human
Element", etc. and helped people become aware of their interpersonal
relationship needs, develop strategies to meet those needs, become aware of how
their needs may be perceived by others, identify sources of conflict with
others, particularly in personal relationship and build more satisfying
relationships.
Let us
return to Kannadasan's songs. Since men are rational and women are emotional,
men tend to miss the subtle point that 'there is a Big Difference between ‘being
loved’ and ‘feeling loved'. Hence, the
man usually gets frustrated in intimate relationship and starts singing, in
Kaviyarasar's words... (“Naan Kavingnum Illai..”) (Film:
padithaal mattum pothumaa):
“I
am neither a poet nor a true connoisseur of art,
Nor am I a
doll devoid of the desire for love;
I did not
hesitate to hunt the wild deer of the forest,
Yet, I
fail to fathom the heart of the deer within this home.
The
concept of a shared life or family life eludes me,
And
the woman I brought home lacks the essence of womanhood.”
Just as
one visits a doctor for a physical ailment, shouldn't one go to a counselor for
mental or emotional confusion? Turning back to the Pease couple, in their later
book, "Why Men Can Only Do One Thing at a Time
& Women Never Stop Talking?" they point to the start opposite
polarity in men and women: "Male awareness is concerned with getting
results, achieving goals, status and power and beating the competition. Female
awareness is focused on communication, co-operation, harmony, love, sharing and
our relationship to one another. This contrast is so great that it's amazing
men and women can even consider living together in the first place."
This stark
difference between the genders leads men struggling with their inability to
understand subtle emotions of women, generating frustration in their women
partners, due to lack of communication between them. Here's a song by
Kannadasan where he captures men's desperation and branding familial bonding
itself as unnecessary and unwanted nuisance. As usual they also blame the
Creator for their predicament (Film: Nichaya Thamboolam) (“Padaithaane
Manithanai Aandavan Padaithane”):
“He
created... He created... God created man.
He
nurtured... He nurtured... He nurtured worry within the mind.
When man
was but an ape, there was no confusion in his mind;
He had no
family, wife, or kin—no burdens of that kind.
He fell
prey to desire, attachment, and love, and lost his peace;
He
wandered, agonized, and suffered until death—with no gain for anyone.
For one
born all alone, there is no turmoil in the heart;
But to
join another life with one's own brings endless trouble.
What heavy
burdens rest upon the head of such a tiny man!
From the
age of twenty to seventy, it is nothing but a daze.”
What
happens when both the man and the woman involved become frustrated? Kannadasan
touches upon this in this song—with a touch of humor, yet leading to a happy
resolution (“Poranthaalum Aambalayaa porakka koodaathu”) (Film: *Policekaran
Magal*):
"If
one is born, one shouldn't be born a man;
And
if born a man, one shouldn't think of women...
If
one is born, one shouldn't be born a woman;
And
if born a woman, one shouldn't think of men...
Men
shouldn't turn into women,
Nor
should they sing while gazing at the games women play...
Among
thousands of men, I set my heart on you;
You
had the looks of Arjuna, yet I fell for your 'Hanuman-like' nature...
Memories
of your lineage linger; I haven't forgotten the past;
You
leap about like a tree-dweller, treating a human like a monkey...
Poets
sang of love, and God ordained a partner for it;
He
destined you for me, yet made me weep over our bond...
Love
that begins with laughter often breaks; love born of tears endures;
So,
weep until the tears run dry, and once done, marry me!"
I
understand what you are thinking: ‘Enough of these family squabbles, Sir. Let
the bitterness between the couple come to an end. Let us help them reach a
compromise.’ Kavi Gnani does the same in this song (“Pazham neeyappa.. gnana
paazham neeyaappaa!”) (Film: *Thiruvilaiyadal*):
"You
are the fruit, the fruit of wisdom—
The
Tamil fruit of wisdom.
The
mind wavers, yet kindred spirits unite;
Are
you, Murugan, unaware of this?"
When Kannadasan—channeling
the wisdom of the poet-matriarch Avvai—offers counsel to Murugan (who possesses
supreme understanding) amidst the discord within the "First Family," can
resolve, can he not the complexities of human family life? ("Varanum
Varanum Maharani") (Film: Gowri Kalyanam):
“Welcome,
welcome, Your Majesty;
This
is the very spot where the women have gathered.
We
seek refuge/surrender at this moment;
The
conflict has ended—peace prevails.”
Men caught
in the turmoil of family life often say, "I feel like just becoming a *samiyar*
(ascetic) and walking away." Don't be too hasty. Poet Vaali has even
issued a warning: "Oh ascetic heading to Kasi, think about what will
become of your family!" (“Kaasikku pokum sanyasi”) (Film:
*Chandrodhayam*).
Leaving
aside the matter of becoming an ascetic...before becoming an ascetic (samiyaar),
shouldn't you consider ‘maamiyar’ (the mother-in-law) factor too? Find out in
the next episode...
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