Kannadasan – A Realized Master (Part 20)

 

To those asking, "What is this, Sir? In the last episode, both parties reconciled, but you made a quick exit without declaring who—man or woman—ultimately won the debate," the 'King of Poets' Kannadasan himself has penned the verdict in this song (“Aathu vellam kaathirukku”) (Film:  *Thiruvarutchelvar*): 

“The river is waiting, and the pile of dirty laundry is full;

If you scrub and rinse them well—oh, how white they’ll be!

If you wring them out and spread them on the bank to dry—oh, how white they’ll be! 

When the *dhoti* and the *sari* compete while being washed in the river,

The *dhoti* wins the race there—oh, how white it shines!

But back at home, it is the *sari* that truly triumphs—

Right there at home.” 

The poet observes that while men may rule the world outside the home, *Nari Shakti*—the power of women—reigns supreme at home within its four walls. Let us explore how to transform the drama that unfolds within those four walls into a story filled with love. When men and women in matrimony don’t understand and appreciate their basic nature and needs, they lack the ability to fulfil them by their voluntary efforts. They end up nagging each other in daily lives. In his book, “I Know What You're Thinking: Using the Four Codes of Reading People to Improve Your Life”, author Lillian Glass, the best-selling author who is a psychologist and communications expert says, "Nagging is the main reason couples end up in therapy and get divorced. It is a mutual power play where nobody wins. If the nagger stopped nagging, there would be a lot more to talk about and less to feel sad and angry about." 

In his compassionate and revealing little book, "Tuesdays with Morrie: An old man, a young man, and life's greatest lesson", Mitch Albom, gives a current society's problems with the marriage: “Marriage.  Almost everyone I knew had a problem with it.  Some had problems getting into it, some had problems getting out.  My generation seemed to struggle with the commitment, as if it were an alligator from some murky swamp.  I had gotten used to attending weddings, congratulating the couple, and feeling only mildly surprised when I saw the groom a few years later sitting in a restaurant with a younger woman whom he introduced as a friend.  “You know, I’m separated from so – and – so ….” he would say. I’ve learned this much about marriage.  You get tested.  You find out who you are, who the other person is, and how you accommodate or don’t. If you can’t talk openly about what goes on between you, you’re goanna have a lot of trouble.  And if you don’t have a common set of values in life, you’re goanna have a lot of trouble.  Your values must be alike." 

The Allan & Barbara Pease again bring up funnily the fundamental difference in between the sexes, in their third book referred to in the previous episode: "A woman can do several unrelated things at the same time, and her brain is never disengaged. She can talk on a telephone at the same time as cooking a new recipe and watching television. If a man is shaving and you talk to him, he'll cut himself. A man can either read or listen. He can't do both. Women are good conversationalists. They enjoy it, and do lots of it. With specific areas to control speech, the rest of a woman's brain is available for other tasks, enabling her to do a range of different things at once while talking. For males, speech and language are not critical brain skills. They operate mainly in the left brain and have fewer specific locations." 

We saw in the earlier episode that women are great conversationalists and men can remain silent for days and weeks together comfortably. When you put several men in a room, there will hardly be any conversation amongst them. There could even be pin-drop silence. They will quietly settle down subliminally finding the 'power structure displayed' and fall in line finding their place in the hierarchy. Whereas if you put even a small group of women in a room, they will thoroughly enjoy each other's company and talk their hearts out. In fact, if observed from outside, it will look like a riot, unless of course stopped by some external authority, silence is a faraway thing among them. This is probably why women love other women's company. 

Though Kaviyarasar has not touched this point directly, he has sung in many songs, the way one woman adores the other woman, though on the external beauty. (Film: *Poovum Pottum*): "Upon seeing your beauty, even women would desire you; if women themselves were to desire you, tell me, what would become of me?" (“Unnazhakai Kandukondaal Pengaluke Aasai Varum”). Another male lead sings: "Where is the silk *pavadai*? Where is the tied-up hair?" (“Pattu paavadai engey?”) (Film: *Parakkum Paavai*): "Where is that maiden headed today—she who falls in love with another woman?" (“Pennukku pen kaadhal kollum kanni indru povathengey?”). In another song: "Who, who, who—who is she?" (“Yaar Yaar Yaar Yaar Aval Yaaro”) (Film: *Pasamalar*): "She became a beauty who captivates the eyes; she became a woman who captivates other women." (“Kangal mayangum kannaanaal, pengal mayangum pennaanaal”). In the famous song "Senthamizh Then Mozhiyaal" (Film: *Malaiyitta Mangai*): "Is she the one endowed with such supreme beauty that even other women covet it?" (“Pennukku penne peraasai kollum perazhellaam padaithavalo?”). 

That's all right sir. All this is about a lover/husband singing about his beloved/wife. Has a woman ever sung in praise of another woman? It's difficult to answer. I haven't been able to find it. If any readers know, please let us all know. Though there are songs by younger sister adoring her elder one “The elder sister gave you Progress in life, On the way forward the younger sister performs”) (“Moothaval Nee koduthaai”) (Film: Arangetram) and heroine seeking her friends to act as messenger (“Thoothu solla oru thozhi”) (Film: Pachai Vilakku). However, the reason for a husband/wife's quarrel in the family could be another woman. If a woman (wife) becomes suspicious, a man faces a real ordeal; he struggles through endless arguments until he can dispel her doubts (“Kannil kandadellam kaatichiyaa?”) (Film: *Pattanathil Bhootam*): 

"Is everything the eye sees merely a spectacle?

Is your own eye a witness that speaks the absolute truth?

Is a young woman's very being defined by suspicion?

Is anger merely the colorful play of a rainbow?

 

The heart opens up only after the truth is revealed,

Yet even then, malice may linger within.

Would anger vanish if the Divine appeared to bear witness?

Would the Divine ever speak a falsehood?

Does affection emerge if life is lost at one's hands?

Can life itself wear a deceptive mask?" 

Come on, how many triangular love songs has Kannadasan composed, you should go that way! Listen to the poet himself describing the pain of a person crossing a fence, who struggles in dilemma between the two (“Nathiyinil vellam karaiyinil neruppu”) (Film: Thenum Paalum): 

"A river is flooded, a bank is on fire

What kind of laughter is God's laughter in the middle of both?

A man who built a path closed it with a fence

The mind crossed the fence, and the sound of a bell rang out

The ant fell into the honey and was stunned

The bond of the heart is God's laughter

A justice stood in a cage, a justice testified

A justice became a god, where did Dharma go in this!" 

It's so difficult to draw a straight line with two dots-that is husband & wife. It looks like an up and down wave. Besides, I have a Maths problem. The triangle (“Mukonam”) doesn't align. Also, if you look at the West side, they are trying to argue about polygamy and marry many times (of course, after divorcing many times). We will have a relationship with one person as one! As the poet sang (“Oruvanukku oruthi endrey uravu kondom Thirukuraliniley”) (Film: Thenum Palum): 

"We had a relationship with one person as one,

in the Tamil temple of Thirukkural...

Within the memories one cherishes, there lies a flower;

If one sets one's heart upon that flower and finds a bond, there is true bliss.

While bathing in the Ganges, if one’s mind turns to the Kaveri—

Would the one yield the bliss of the other, or the other yield the bliss of the one?

Rama had a singular devotion; the virtuous cherish a bond of true kinship..." 

So, in the family fight, which another woman broke the skull? Who else? Let us simply ask the poet-sage himself! (“Naan yaar yaar endru sollavillai, nee yaar yaar endru ketkavillai”): 

"I did not say who is that,

You did not ask who is this

Not in any song,

Nor in this land—

Look, look; do you not have eyes?" 

So, even Kannadasan evaded the issue like that saying, “Not in any song”. Who is the one causing trouble between the couple? Who else could be other than 'mother-in-law!' Don't get me started by asking whether the husband's mother-in-law is the wife's mother-in-law. Let's see who is struggling through film songs. "Pattanathil Bootham" (A Ghost in the City). God promise, I did not call the mother-in-law—who moved from the village to the city and turns a couple's blissful life into a living hell—a 'ghost' (bootham). Believe me, I was merely mentioning the title of the movie that features the song mentioned above! 

Earlier, Kothamangalam Subbu had threatened by saying, "I have a message for the mother-in-law, if you don't respect this, you will be disgraced." (“Maamiyaaluku oru sethi, ithai mathichu nadanthaa mariyaathi”). Vali also played ‘Head or Tail’ (“Poovaa Thalaiyaa”) (film) with the mother-in-law. However, our Kannadasan didn't chase the mother-in-law much. But he went after "Aunty's daughter Rattinam" (“Athhai magal Rathinathai aththaan marappaaraa”). At the most, our 'Enga Ur Raja' (film) made fun by saying, "Look at the aunt's mustache." (“Athaikku meesai vaichu paarungadi”). If readers know of any mother-in-law on whom kavi gnani has written wise lines/songs, please share. 

Allan & Barbara Pease have a riot of fun on mothers'-in-law in their series of books: "Mothers-in-law probably inspire more jokes than any other group of people on earth.  Remember, it was one of the founders of modern Russia, Lenin, who, when asked what should be the maximum penalty for bigamy, replied: "Two mothers-in-law". Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. If you could convince your mother-in-law to walk 10 miles a day, after just one week she'd be 70 miles away." Come to think of it, these days couple want to marry a person like Shiva or Parvathi, so that there will be no mother-in-law problems, later in married life! 

Let us now look at the Westerners' experience of their mothers-in-law. Rodney Dangerfield said, "My mother-in-law and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." There are other anonymous ones: A son-in-law's greatest talent is smiling while receiving free advice. A mother-in-law is like a referee—always close enough to see every mistake. The quickest way to become an expert parent is to have a mother-in-law. Behind every newlywed stands a mother-in-law saying, 'That's not how my child does it.' My mother-in-law has GPS built in. She always knows where I'm wrong. A mother-in-law's love language is advice. The family tree is strongest because mothers-in-law never stop watering it. 

Some clever comments go like this: Before marriage, a man dreams of his bride. After marriage, he learns about her mother.  Every wife thinks her mother is an angel. Every husband hopes she's a guardian angel—watching from a comfortable distance. The difference between a mother and a mother-in-law? One says, 'Take care of yourself.' The other says, 'Take care of my child!'" Mother-in-law jokes have been part of English humor for centuries. Here are some of the wittiest and good-natured ones: Les Dawson commented, "I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her." Joan Rivers quipped, "I knew my mother-in-law was coming to live with us. I just didn't know it would feel permanent." 

Some classical comments are here: A mother-in-law is proof that God has a sense of humor. Behind every successful marriage stands a mother-in-law... giving advice. The secret to a happy marriage? A loving spouse and a mother-in-law who lives just far enough away. A mother-in-law's advice is free—but it's often the most expensive advice you'll ever follow. Marriage is when you gain a spouse... and a lifetime consultant. My mother-in-law treats me like family. That's the problem! A good mother-in-law remembers she once was a daughter-in-law. Finally, some more gentle and affectionate humor: My mother-in-law doesn't interfere. She just has very detailed suggestions. A mother-in-law's superpower is knowing what's best—even before you do. A mother-in-law is the only person who can make both the bride and the groom feel like children again! 

A word of caution to readers (albeit a bit late): Ensure your mother-in-law isn't standing right behind you while reading this. Watch your head! Or, if she is in the same room, maintain a 'serious' expression on your face. Don't get caught laughing uncontrollably and looking flustered—she might just walk up and ask, "What is it? Share the joke with us!" Anyway, I don't have a mother-in-law hovering over me while I write this (it seems things have gotten a bit too noisy up in the heavens—or perhaps it's just my imagination. Or it could be a fight between the couple living upstairs). 

The mother-in-law is gone—I mean, that chapter has ended. Oh dear! Whatever I say seems to come out wrong! So, the 'mother-in-law' saga has come to an end. Oh dear, that’s not quite what I meant. It just brings to mind Vadivelu’s famous line: "No matter what happens, they go ahead and build the border anyway." It’s just a sense of frustration that she doesn't seem inclined to head back to the village. Just when I was angrily thinking about dropping her off in some 'forest of my choice,' I find her lying on her 'cot of choice' at home. Anyway, let’s put the mother-in-law aside (no, I didn’t mean to dump her!) and move on to the next topic. 

The next reason why a couple’s relationship turns sour—changing from 'heaven into hell'—is a matter of 'accounts': specifically, the tally of who is lying—the husband or the wife? The suspicion that both has about the other (“Santheka kodu, athu santhosha kedu”) (film name is also: Heaven and Hell): 

“Those who mistake water for fire

Never rest without witnessing tears,

Nor do they ever find peace in sleep.

 

The line of suspicion is the ruin of happiness;

A home that forgets this becomes a forest of sorrow.

I strove long to convince my virtuous wife,

Yet the truth never truly reached her.

 

She was united with me in life and walked by my side,

But with her words, she destroyed me—

And by her own speech, she ruined herself.

 

Suspicion made the town laugh at the man

Who lived in truth and remained steadfast in heart;

Now, my body no longer belongs even to you.” 

"This is totally unfair, Sir. It’s one-sided—as if only men sing this tune. Don't men ever lie?"—the women's association would surely take issue with that. The poet-sage has also sung in support of womankind (Film: *Anandha Jothi*). (If one types 'Anandha Jothi' into Google, it auto-corrects to 'Anandha Jodi'—which is also quite apt!): 

"Oh, great poet, born of falsehood and raised in falsehood...

She has understood you; she has grasped the truth—

She, the embodiment of womankind!" 

Why invite trouble? Let’s just ask the expert husband-and-wife duo, Allan and Barbara Pease! In their book, "Why Men Lie & Women Cry", they say, "Most women will enthusiastically claim that, without doubt, men lie far more often than women. Scientific studies and experiments show, however, that men and women talk about the same number of lies. It's the content of their lies that differs. The evidence is clear - women lie just as much as men, they simply lie differently. Because of women's super-awareness of body language and voice signals, men get caught far more often, which makes it seem like men lie more. They don't. They just keep getting caught. Not only do women have a superior ability to uncover lies, they have the ability to remember them as ammunition for future arguments." 

Just as we think, "Phew, we made it!", the next monster of a conflict rears its head—and what else could it be but the financial struggles arising between the two in their married life? Let’s see what happens in the next episode... 

-Jeyes (www.jeyes.in)